One of the most common causes of discontent regarding rope bondage is having vague, unrealistic expectations, or worse, floundering around because you just don’t know what you should or shouldn’t expect.
And that’s a troublesome thing – when you don’t know the expectations for a particular situation, it’s easy to entirely misjudge what’s going on or even what the point of what you’re doing is supposed to be.
That’s something I fell afoul of many times when I was starting out. Not knowing what to expect led me to to constantly wonder if I was doing things “right”. Was this situation supposed to be sexier? Was my rope supposed to be prettier? Did that tie look right? How important was it for a tie to “look right” as opposed to “feel right”?
Then I found out it wasn’t just me – other people had this problem too!
A person I was tying back then had a related problem. She was used to being used as a practice model, and giving lots of feedback; but when it came time to do a scene, to do rope bondage for real, she inadvertently killed the mood by providing too much clinical feedback in the moment. It took us quite a bit of discussion before we worked out what the problem was, and how to fix it.
I’ve heard of other people having similar problems as well, for example having unrealistic expectations of the comfort level involved in a photo shoot. And that sucks – the more confusion there is around that sort of thing, the more unsatisfying it’s going to be for all involved, when we’re supposed to be having fun with this.
All these problems were essentially caused by having either vague expectations or an unrealistic idea of what was supposed to happen, and how things were supposed to go.
You have to know the point of what you’re doing, and what’s reasonable to expect.
So in order to work around this problem, I’ve discussed reasonable expectations for three different rope situations, and how to make it easier for everyone to have a good time. That is what we’re going for, right?
Rope Lab
(Rope Lab is my new name for rope practice, because I think science is sexy – so it follows that I would love the idea of such a scientific name for rope practice)
What Are Reasonable Expectations For Rope Lab?
Testing. Lots and lots of testing; different ways of doing a tie, working out aesthetics, working out how to make the intended function happen. One tie might be tied and re-tied many times while a particular problem is worked out. Some times, a tie will be tied and re-tied just to get things into muscle memory.
How Much Feedback is Needed?
Feedback, lots of feedback, is highly encouraged with rope practice, as is a high level of communication. Different ties are likely to be tried, as are different positions. The bottom will need to give feedback on the comfort of each, whether there’s any “bad feelings” or complications, whether knots dig in, etc.
Will It Be Sexy?
Yes and no. Sexual things shouldn’t happen unless that’s negotiated first; however, as I myself discovered recently, sometimes unexpected chemistry happens, and that’s a good time to pause and have a quick discussion about how comfortable everyone is with what’s happening or how far you might want to go. If sexual stuff is happening, and it hasn’t been discussed… that’s more than a bit unethical. It’s not cool to invite someone around for practice if the actual intent is seduction. Doesn’t matter who initiates it, top or bottom, some negotiation needs to take place, even if it’s as simple and rudimentary as a few sentences before continuing or stopping.
Sometimes both parties will develop a bit of a buzz without overt sexual things happening, particularly if they’re both into rope. That’s fairly likely, actually. Again, it’s about keeping things within negotiated limits.
However, overall it’s going to be about science – both rope top and rope bottom are going to need a decently clinical mindset while they work out the various puzzles and practice that they’re doing. The rope top may be tying the bottom while the bottom watches TV to keep themselves from being bored or from getting into their “rope space”.
Will The Rope Be Pretty?
Sure – if you’re practicing for a particular aesthetic, or decorative ties, then eventually it probably will be. Some ties have an inherent symmetry to them, which is just nice, or a deliberate asymmetry to them. Generally though, I think with practice people are more concerned with function, what feels good, and what doesn’t.
Photoshoots
What Are Reasonable Expectations For Photoshoots?
In some ways, photoshoots are the least personal of the situations. And that’s because the focus isn’t on the dynamic or the interaction between the individuals; it’s about creating/capturing art. Achieving a particular effect.
So often, that means it won’t be about comfort; it won’t be about intimacy; it’s more about getting that particular photo.
Photoshoots are generally a balance between fun and work, and that balance depends on who’s involved. Ties will often have to be tied and retied to look “right”, models may have to pose or hold positions for godawful lengths of time, lighting will have to be messed with, positions will have to be found where the messy part of the rope tie doesn’t show.
As a general rule, those amazing photos you admired so much on Fetlife or Tumblr weren’t effortless. A fair amount of thought regarding lighting, positioning, etc went into them. Sometimes you’ll get some absolutely fantastic “in the moment” photos; but for really good ones, it’s usual that a decent amount of preparation and work went into them first. As with anything, the greater the skill and experience of the photographer and everyone else involved, the easier it is, and the more fun and sexiness can be had.
How Much Feedback Is Needed?
Feedback won’t be asked for as much, beyond things like general safety and a reasonable level of comfort (given the situation). It’s about how it looks, and that’s generally more important than how it feels with a photoshoot situation.
Will It Be Sexy?
Sometimes. Sometimes the intent is to capture that sexiness in moments of interaction; but more often than not, it will probably look sexier than it feels. Particularly if it’s taken a lot of work to achieve that one perfect image; and then it’s more of a relief that you FINALLY got it captured on film. Sometimes it’ll be down right uncomfortable – for example, photoshoots involving nude people in the snow. If you agree to participate in that, you can expect to be horribly cold and likely very uncomfortable and unaroused.
Will The Rope Be Pretty?
Yes – after a certain amount of work and positioning to make sure the best angle is achieved. Pretty rope and pretty situations are kind of the point.
Scene Rope
What Are Reasonable Expectations For Scene Rope?
It will be restraining. There’s very likely to be serious intent behind the way the rope is tied; scary, sexual, sensual, or whatever. It will be personal and intense as all hell, the direct opposite of photo rope. It will be way more about the feel and the function of the rope than the appearance.
How Much Feedback Is Needed?
Tops like to know whether the bottom is having a good/bad time during a scene; and that’s generally it. If there’s a safety issue, we need to know, but otherwise, we don’t like a lot of unsolicited verbal feedback. We might need to know a brief thing like how long you can stay in a particular position; we may ask you particular questions in the context of the scene; otherwise, we generally want your natural reactions, whatever they may be. That’s what we enjoy. Gasps, moans, swear words, asking to come, all that sort of thing. That’s fucking wonderful.
The feedback we get in Rope Lab is what guides us here. It’s what makes it possible for us to do this, without having to constantly ask questions. Because rope lab happened, we now have the confidence and the knowledge to play with a much lower level of active feedback, so both bottoms and tops can relax and enjoy themselves much more.
Will It Be Sexy?
It fucking better be. Why else would we do it?
Will The Rope Be Pretty?
Actually, a scene is the situation where it’s LEAST important for rope to be pretty.
That’s because we’re not playing with appearances here; we’re playing with feelings. With intimacy, with intensity, with connection. And connection doesn’t give a fuck about what the rope looks like; it’s more important to focus on what the rope is doing to us. How we’re using rope to do to hotness to other people.
- Is the rope tied as safely as possible, given the situation? Check.
- Is the rope doing it’s job, providing restraint, sensation, etc? Check.
- Is the rope pretty, aesthetic, symmetrical?
Who cares? That’s not the point at all.
If You Want Everyone To Have A Good Time
Then DISCUSS this stuff. If everyone has some kind of framework for what to expect, then things will go a lot better. Tops will feel more confident about what their rope is supposed to be doing, bottoms will have a clearer idea of what their given level of feedback should be, and what the point of this particular rope bondage situation is. Everyone will feel more confident, more relaxed, and have a much better time, because they’ll have a clearer idea of what they’re supposed to be doing, and what the point of the activity is.
Credit for image goes to bk1bennett: https://www.flickr.com/photos/bk1bennett/
