How To Be A Good Casual Play Partner

In the realm of healthy kinky relationships, we often end up with “casual play partners” who we really enjoy playing with, but whom we don’t intend to get involved with in a romantic or D/s relationship sense. 

This sort of thing often occurs when we’re determined to be single for a while, but still want to enjoy some really nice kinky play with people we enjoy spending time with. 

Today’s post explores some of the fun considerations involved in being a good, or better yet great casual play partner. 

Transparent Intentions 

When we’re looking to be a good casual play partner, it’s important to communicate up front, really transparently, about what it is that we’re looking for, and enough of our personal context so that the other person can appreciate and understand our situation. 

If we’re presently staying clear of romance or D/s relationships, for whatever reason, it’s important to communicate that, so that the other person is unlikely to get the wrong impression or get “led on”. 

Often, you’ll find that people are totally cool with that, and really down to play with you, because they know exactly where you’re coming from. The fact that you have really clear intentions and that you’ve communicated them up front can often help your play partners know exactly where they stand, and that creates confidence and comfort. 

Sometimes you’ll find that a person is really looking for something a bit more long term and intense, and that’s fine; it just means that your wants are incompatible just now, and you’ve avoided a potentially awkward conflict of interests by being really transparent. Big win!

Be Nice To Each Other

A lot of people are afraid to be nice or kind to their casual play partners, for fear that they’ll “catch feelings”. 

This is INCREDIBLY short sighted.

 A good casual play partner is something to be treasured. It’s an opportunity to be nice, to be kind, to give and expect respect, and to have a very simple and enjoyable kink relationship with someone. 

Being nice to a person, respectful of their needs and boundaries, and in general doing what you can to give you both a very pleasant experience just makes for a great time for both of you, and gives both of you great memories in the future.

You’ll hold each other in a positive regard long after the play relationship has ended, and be able to be a good reference for each other. You may even be great friends or positive acquaintances outside of the play relationship!

Have Realistic Expectations

In romantic or D/s relationships, we often expect to receive very regular, sometimes daily, bits of communication and affection. Which is fair. 

But with a casual play partner, it’s often wiser to have an expectation of more irregular contact, like a friend or acquaintance. 

You’re not each other’s number one – in fact, you’re probably far down the list of each other’s daily priorities. We’ve all got lots of things going on in our lives, and our close friends, family, kids, and daily living definitely come first.

It doesn’t hurt to send the occasional message or share something you think the other person will enjoy if you think of it; that can be rather fun. Just don’t expect daily or even weekly contact. 

It’s also not particularly wise to be possessive of your casual play partner. They may choose to have just one play partner, or they may have several. 

If you’re going to attend the same party together, it’s a good idea to have a discussion about expectations and preferences; do you want to play with different people at the same party, or would you rather scene together and be exclusive for the length of the party?

Both choices have pros and cons, and it’s good to establish that before the party so you’re both on the same page. 

Continue To Expect Respect

It doesn’t matter what kind of kinky relationship you’re in, a relationship without respect is not a healthy one. 

Some people can be rather disparaging about casual play partners, as compared to a romantic interest or D/s relationship; that’s very much not on. 

You have the same right to respect, to not be flaked on, to have someone communicate honestly with you as you would in any other situation.

If someone makes a commitment to you, then they should keep it, unless there’s a damn good reason not to. If they repeatedly flake on you or are dishonest with you about their reasons or wants; well, that’s not healthy, and you deserve better. 

Maintain The Boundaries Of Your Dynamic

In order to maintain a “casual play relationship” with someone, certain boundaries are required. Most of these boundaries have to do with behavior – the behavior that indicates what kind of dynamic you have.

When you’re in a casual play relationship with someone, your behaviors have to be aligned to being in a casual play relationship. 

Sometimes, when people have just the one casual play partner, they find themselves “accidentally” falling into relationship patterns, without really thinking about it, and the other person may not be particularly interested in that, but may go along with it out of a sense of obligation or a desire not to be unkind.

One person might start to ask to sleep over, to have an evening of netflix and cuddles, and start to expand out to other kinds of dates. Contact becomes more frequent, until you’re texting each other goodnight every day. Intentions and feelings start to shift. “What we are” or “where we stand” starts to feel murky and less defined.

I want to be clear, it IS okay to transition from a casual play relationship to a more intense one – but that should be done intentionally, with clear discussion, and both sides should be interested in it.

 Doing it as a kind of “covert emotional transition”, without stopping and acknowledging what is happening can lead to some unpleasant outcomes down the road.

As with everything, it’s better to be intentional and transparent about what’s happening. If one person develops a desire for something more, it’s better to discuss it frankly, and make conscious decisions about where to next.

If you find that some behaviors are happening that are outside the parameters of your negotiated casual play relationship, then it’s a good idea to have an open, deliberate discussion about them, and indicate how you feel about it.

If you’re not comfortable, state what you’d prefer to happen instead. Establishing these boundaries can help to keep things simple and enjoyable.

Don’t Expect It To Be Forever, and Enjoy It While It Lasts

As I said before, a good casual play relationship is something to be treasured. They’re often based on mutual attraction, curiosity, and a desire to do fun kinky things with each other. They’re an amazing way of experiencing a simple and enjoyable connection with someone else, and they can provide some absolutely delightful memories and warm feelings whenever you think of that person. 

But everything ends, one way or another, and it’s unwise to expect your casual play partner to be around forever. If you can accept that change with grace, then perhaps you’ll retain a nice warm acquaintance-ship with the person after the transition, and retain a nice warm vibe when you see each other. 

So enjoy your time together, and revel in it, and appreciate it for what it is. Be the best play partner you can be, be kind, be playful, and laugh with the other person while at the same time enjoying that mutual attraction. 

To quote Bill and Ted; “Be Excellent To Each Other.” 

And kink on, dudes.