Hi guys!
I’ve come down with some annoying variant of plague this week, which has limited my ability to post to my usual standard, so really sorry about that – I’ll try and make it up to you with a video tutorial next week!
(It’ll be the first one I’ve tried, so I’m a bit nervous/excited about that; this website is helping me to do all kinds of new things and push my limits. Here’s hoping it goes well!)
Due to previously mentioned plague, I’m going for a story post this week instead, so that we all at least have something relevant to rope to think about.
A thing happened recently that both surprised the hell out of me, and also really made me reflect on the importance of negotiation and discussion.
I’ve begun practicing rope stuff more. Partly that’s because of this blog; I find myself a lot more motivated since I started writing and posting and sharing this stuff with other people. It’s as if having an audience of like minded people to share things with actually inspires me to go harder, learn more, get better!
So thanks guys! You’re all pretty invaluable in driving my progress.
The other reason I began practicing more is that I’ve realised that more practice sessions are needed to work out what is and isn’t possible, what is safe to attempt in a scene and what isn’t.
(There’s also the added benefit of having developed a bit more skill with whatever I’m trying before I do it for real – never hurts to have that extra bit of smoothness when I’m going for a hot time with someone I’m into)
So basically I’ve been taking a more scientific approach to trying new things before I try using them in a scene.
As part of this scientific approach, I asked a friend who I haven’t spent much time with lately to be my model. I didn’t want to get distracted the way I knew I would if I used my regular play partner. No sex for me; this time I wanted to do science!
So my friend came over, we caught up a bit, and we established the intentions. That this wasn’t going to be intimate; it was going to be clinical, trying out new things, and that I would need a lot of feedback and no subspace or rope space.
That was the plan.
So we began trying out various decorative things, as that was what I wanted to practice this time. It was going pretty well. I tried out some pretty nice looking things and a new version of a karada (tortoiseshell harness), and was reasonably pleased with how it turned out.
And then, suddenly, out of nowhere, as I tied something slightly tighter…
BAM! Chemistry.
We were right at the end of a tie, and suddenly the tension had changed. She was reacting, I was reacting to her, and there was a lot of sexual tension suddenly.
So there I was, with this completely unplanned stuff happening, and I was faced with the question; what do I do next? Is it okay to play at this point? Should we give in to said chemistry?
And then I realized that the fact that I genuinely didn’t know what was okay and what wasn’t okay to do just then was in itself a pretty important thing.
So…
I untied her.
We sat down on the couch and watched Youtube for awhile until we’d both calmed down (about 30 minutes or so) and then I brought up the fact that hey, chemistry happened. Things had turned hot. That wasn’t the plan, but how did she feel about that?
Turned out she was more than okay with it, and so was I. It would make it harder to do “science” but it would probably make it more fun. We decided we’d still do science, but we had more than a bit of leeway to play around with it. Science first, naughty fun times a very close second.
And everything went well.
Reflecting back on it though, I am so freaking thankful that I paused and had that moment of thought when that chemistry happened. Because yes, sometimes it’s really fun to go with the moment… spontaneous passion and all that stuff is a lot of fun.
But the last thing myself or any other rope top wants is to run the risk of actual non-consent issues. And when you realize that stuff has happened or is happening that wasn’t discussed, and you decided to go ahead with it anyway, that really heightens the risk .
Some people, rope bottoms and rope tops included, really enjoy being swept away in that rush of passion and chemistry and just going for it.
And look, so do I… but I really don’t enjoy the kind of awfulness that comes with accusations of non-consent down the line.
And it’s a dangerous thing. If I’ve got someone in my rope, then I think technically they are not in a good position to negotiate, because I have all the power.
So I can’t just stop with the rope still on and say “hey, want to play more with this?” because when she’s in my rope, she has to worry about what my response to “no” might be. That power imbalance is huge. That’s going to influence her response a lot.
So I’m really freaking glad I untied her and we took that time to chill and do Youtube.
I think the most practical outcome of this experience is that I’m going to have to include further negotiation for rope practice down the line.
“Hey, this is what I intend to do, but in the past unexpected chemistry has happened. If that happens this time, then this is what I propose we do; take the rope off and discuss it. Are you cool with that, or do you have other ideas?”
So yeah, I learned some useful stuff here.
Hooray for science!
