Not every submissive or bottom is safe to do BDSM play with. Here’s a list of red flags for submissives, with the goal of promoting safety for Tops and Dominants.
Many of the submissives and bottoms that we encounter as Tops or Dominants in the scene are lovely and interesting and great to engage with. But sometimes, a little later on, as we’ve gotten to know them a bit better, we encounter behaviors that put our emotional and psychological wellbeing at risk.
Consequently, it becomes necessary to come up with a system for determining who is and isn’t safe to play with. This is where creating a list of red flags for submissives comes in, along with orange flags and green flags.
For Tops and Dominants, understanding what red flags for submissives and bottoms might look like in terms of behavior is essential in keeping ourselves safe from emotional trauma and negative experiences, and in protecting our reputations later on.
I’ve combined a lot of information both from my own experience, and with some contributions from the helpful BDSM Community on Reddit. You guys are incredibly helpful, and I really appreciate all the input you’ve given!
Red Flags For Submissives VS Orange Flags
In many respects it’s an individual choice about what constitutes a “red flag” or an “orange flag”. For some people, one particular risk factor may be an orange flag, but for another person, that risk factor might be a “red flag” .
For me, Orange Flag means “Slow down, investigate further, proceed with caution”.
A Red Flag is “Stop; Abort; High Risk Behaviors Detected”.
While I’ve arranged all the information I’ve obtained, it’s also organized according to my own interpretation. You may feel differently on some items, and that’s not a bad thing, particularly if you have solid reasons for it. One of my “red” flags might be your “orange” or one of your “orange” flags might be my “red”. That’s totally cool.
Red Flags For Submissives and Bottoms; Danger Zone
Everything bad that ever happened in their life was someone else’s fault. The “Eternal Victim”. This is a red flag because it shows a total lack of accountability, and a tendency to cast blame on everyone else around them, regardless of whatever part the person had in the situation.
It’s amazing how everything that happens in their lives gets reframed into them being the victim. They’ll explain that you can’t expect them to take responsibility for various things, because they have all of these factors working against them. They may say that they want to, but they can’t. They need you to pick up the slack.
A fairly consistent early indicator that you may have one of these people on your hands is that all of the ex-partners are described negatively, with no positive traits listed unless you go digging. They’re just looking for that one right person to take care of them after their string of awful experiences, and you’re next in line.
Another indicator that should give you pause is that they “need” a Dom. They quickly express a preference for you to take full control, 24/7, and they want to make as few choices as possible. Because that way, nothing is their fault. They have no responsibility. When something inevitably goes wrong, it’s YOUR fault for not being the perfect Fantasy Dom™.
Playing with this person will definitely get you some fun times being blamed for anything that goes wrong. When you ask them to make a choice, they show resentment. At times, particularly after an argument, you may find the need to suggest that they take more responsibility for their side of the communication or for doing something on their side of play.
They do not respond positively to that, and may inform you that you’re victim blaming. They may then reframe things to indicate that that’s a red flag, and you’re a potential abuser. You better not do it again…
You’ll often find that they seem really dissatisfied, frequently have a negative outlook on things, and all the ways in which you try to support them never quite seem like enough… like all that energy is just disappearing into a bottomless hole.
Needless to say, playing with or being exposed to this person for any length of time is going to be very bad for you. Depression, anxiety, and general burn out are common side effects. White Knights, Service Tops or Doms, and people who like to look after others are at particular risk here.
“My partner doesn’t know, can we keep it quiet?” They’re cheating on their partner. The reasons why this is a red flag should be obvious. If it’s not, then you’re playing with a dishonest person who is actively damaging their relationship and their character, and you’re going to be part of that shit storm.
Dishonesty & frequent poor communication: BDSM scenes rely on people being able to actively, assertively, and consistently communicate their needs, wants, and limits. If the person you’re considering playing with can’t do that, then you’re playing with fire, and things can and will go terribly wrong.
If you’re receiving inconsistent information, jumping through more and more hoops, they can’t or won’t answer questions about their own needs, wants, and likes, you commonly notice that what they say one day is suddenly different the next day, and the explanation is similar to “I only said that because…” then you’re going to get burned.
“You’re the Dom… you should know what I want. I shouldn’t have to explain what I want. You should just know.” See above. This is a weird fantasy that comes up from time to time, and is fairly horrific to deal with, but also seems to lead into that poor communication habit and aforementioned blaming.
“You can do whatever you want to me. I don’t care. I can take it.” The reason why this is a red flag for submissives is because if a person has nothing they’ll say no to, then you have no idea what they really want, or like or dislike. And maybe they don’t either. That total lack of self awareness is a very dangerous space to play in, with an incredibly high risk of accidental harm. You really don’t want to be in that position. There is also a possibility they’re seeking to distract or potentially harm themselves by jumping straight into a high risk situation, and you’re the proxy for their potential self harm. Also not a comfortable place to be in.
A related issue is if they never disagree or push back on anything we say. They appear to have no boundaries. It’s a strong indicator that they are unlikely to let us know if something is going wrong in the scene, which means we’ll be resented for things we couldn’t have known about. Often we’ll find out about it as an emotional outburst and a verbal attack long after the fact, which is confusing as hell.
Orange Flags For Submissives: Slow Down, Proceed With Caution
This one comes from a submissive with her own experience of PTSD.
“Frequently brings up former trauma or abuse”. “I’m a bottom with PTSD and think playing with people who are working on trauma/mental health is totally fine, as long as they take ownership of their emotions and have a plan for processing them.
I personally think that playing with a bottom who isn’t working on emotional self-awareness is asking for trouble. Unfortunately, a lot of bottoms don’t realize it’s something they need to work on until something painful happens. Sadly I think sometimes bottoms who are working through things end up lashing out at their top, and there’s not much support for tops on the receiving end of that.”
She’s not wrong. Having someone take out their issues and emotions on you can be quite harmful, particularly when they do it regularly. No one needs emotional abuse.
If the person in question doesn’t appear to be working on their issues or just tries to ignore them, it’s a high risk situation for your emotional wellbeing and safety. It may not be their fault, but that doesn’t mean it’s safe for you.
They treat you as a means to an end, a kink dispenser. All the energy seems to flow one way. They’re very quick to describe all their kinks and likes in play, the fantasies they’ve had, and want to know what you’re going to do with them… but somehow the question of what YOU want doesn’t ever seem to come up.
When you bring up something that would benefit you, but doesn’t seem to directly benefit them, you notice a frown.
When you talk about your aftercare, they may look taken aback. You may sense reluctance, an attitude of “I didn’t sign up for that”.
You also notice that they don’t ask much about you, or your day. That’s because they’re only interested in having their fantasies fulfilled… not in playing with you as an individual.
As long as you’re feeding their needs, everything is fine, but when you try to pull back or ask for something for you, they complain or are reluctant, or the conversation quickly comes back to what you can do for them, and what they want.
Over time this is likely to leave you feeling drained and unfulfilled, as you don’t get any of the energy back that you’re putting out.
Their existing relationships appear rocky, dramatic, or unstable. Sometimes we play with people who already have existing open relationships, and they’re not going well.
We notice tension, verbal slaps or contempt, resentment. Playing with these people can be risky for getting caught up in relationship problems that are not your own, or worse, used as a tool for power/jealousy games within that relationship. That’s a bad time.
When the relationship appears to be more solid, secure and comfortable, the risk is mitigated.
Naivety/Ignorance/Total Newbie. They don’t know what they’re into, what their limits are, or what kind of aftercare they need. They have no experience, and no idea how they’ll react. Definitely a time to proceed slowly, incrementally, and with caution as you go, and to encourage them to look up key BDSM concepts to mitigate the risks.
Uses “bratting” to provoke tops without communicating what she actually wants. It can be fun if you know someone well and you know what they want, but outside of that it’s just obnoxious and really difficult to play with. Bratting does not replace communication. Time to see if they’ll accept that concept and learn to communicate.
They compete for status. You notice they’re constantly looking at/discussing who seems to have the most status in the scene – priding themselves on taking the most hits, being the most “slave like” or “really submissive”. Who’s the Toppiest Top, the Domliest Dom, the most submissive Submissive, and why can’t we be that?
The reason why this is an orange flag is that this particular focus can be more on comparing your play/dynamic to others, as opposed to simply enjoying the play and dynamic with you. When you’re looking for confirmation that the scene you just had together was great for the both of you, they may be looking dissatisfied as they compare their own performance to someone else’s, which is unhelpful.
One scene regularly becomes DAYS of “needing aftercare” and increased attention.
Aftercare is important for most people, and none would dispute that. However, sometimes the amount of time and attention requested for aftercare can go a bit far. While in general you might get the odd scene that requires more aftercare than usual, it’s a different story when it occurs every week, draining you dry of attention, energy, emotional stamina and time.
A warning sign that this is happening is you may start to feel reluctant to do scenes with that person, because you know you don’t have the capacity for both topping the scene and providing extended periods of aftercare as well.
A mitigating factor can be if the person is willing to develop self care strategies and plans, working on their own emotional resilience. Another one is if they’re willing to be considerate of your needs post scene as well.
However, some people may be using BDSM and BDSM culture to leverage getting other needs met. Namely, ongoing attention and contact to soothe their general anxiety and insecurity.
You’ll soon know when you go to discuss or negotiate self care plans and suggest that you need to meet your own needs as well.
If the person is unwilling to negotiate or compromise, or they start calling you a “fake Dom”, “abusive” or using other emotionally manipulative tactics to guilt or shame you into continuing to provide beyond your own limits, it’s time to exit. As red flags for submissives go, that’s a pretty big one.
Green Flags for Submissives
There are lots of great people to play with out there as well, and it’s really helpful to be able to spot behaviors that indicate that this is a safer person to play with. Below are a list of green flags for submissives and bottoms that indicate a higher likelihood of your safety.
Assertive Communication. You never have to guess at what’s going on with this person, or what they might need or want, because they’re happy to tell you. You have a clear sense of where they stand and what they want and don’t want, and they’re honest, even in uncomfortable situations. They’ll actively request what they need. You notice that the information given is consistent over time. If something happens that they’re uncomfortable with, they’ll let you know, and make it clear if they have a boundary there for the future.
They ask after your day, and ask about what you need. Not just once, but consistently. You notice they pay attention to what you like, and employ that knowledge to return some of the energy you’re frequently expending on them.
They express appreciation and gratitude after a scene. The words “thank you” are used, and it feels genuine and heartfelt.
They show independence. They take time for themselves when they need to, and actively look after themselves. They’ve got plans with other people and friends, and they value them. They’re probably functioning quite well in their career and job.
They have reliable coping skills and constructive attitude: When a mishap or “oops” occurs in a scene or elsewhere, as they often do, their default is to handle it constructively and show a sense of humor about it. These skills don’t vanish in a crisis; they remain consistent.
They internalize responsibility. They understand and expect that life isn’t “fair”, and know that it’s up to them to manage that. They don’t rely on others or you to solve all their problems or put responsibility onto others; instead, they think about what they can do about the situation or similar ones in future.
They are accepting of differences and flaws, and embrace them with humor. There’s no sense that if you reveal yourself to be human, they’ll be disappointed or upset. There’s no impression that they want the Fantasy Dom™; they’re interested in playing with YOU, and appreciate your humanness. They want to negotiate a dynamic that meets both of your needs, and there’s no sense of sulking if it doesn’t meet their initial ideas or expectation.
Can manage and regulate their own emotions. Everyone gets upset from time to time, and most of us have our own means of managing this. After the initial upset, the green flag sub usually regains a degree of calm relatively quickly.
A person who is good at self regulating has a means of processing their emotions without taking them out on you or your interactions with them. As an outcome of their processing, they may request some changes to things, but it’s fairly straightforward. Overall, they strike you as emotionally mature and resilient.
Mitigating And Reducing Risks
Sometimes, when we come across a red or orange flag in the submissives or BDSM bottoms we’re considering or playing with, we can stop and consider if there’s a way to mitigate the risk.
This is especially appealing if physically, that submissive or bottom is hot as fuck.
With Red Flags for submissives, it’s very difficult to mitigate the risk. Sometimes it’s doable, but far more often than not, playing with that person is inviting mishap and trouble.
You’ll note that with the Orange Flags, I pointed out a few ways the risks might be mitigated.
Self awareness, a willingness to learn, discuss, or negotiate different ways of doing things are some of the primary ways in which those Orange Flag risks can be mitigated or reduced. Sometimes you might be able to reduce some risks by keeping initial play to public areas like play parties as you get to know people over time.
However, if the person has a disinclination towards personal accountability or personal responsibility, there’s not a lot you can work with there. The same goes if they appear to be habitually dishonest, and it’s a primary coping strategy for them. You’ll never be able to have quite the foundation of trust that makes for healthy play or BDSM relationships.
The best way to assess these flags is to assess the person’s behavior over time. What they SAY might be nice, and in line with the “green flags”, but their behavior – what they actually do – is the key test of whether or not they’re safe to play with. And that will come out over time.
I think that’s pretty much all I have to say on that topic for now, but as I mentioned earlier, I’m definitely open to collecting more information!
If you have more red, orange, or green flags for evaluating BDSM submissives or bottoms in the scene, or other thoughts on this subject, please add them in the comments below!
Very good post once again! Good and clear advice.
One thing i would like to comment on: you say that True behaviour only comes out over time. And this is true! The issue with this, and it is hard to avoid at the best of times, is that during that time you might have already invested enough of yourself to not want to let go anymore. Or to see bad red flags as merely orange ones.
And if you keep investment light, they might consider you being too cautious and untrusting, which can be seen as a red flag as well by any but the most grounded and stable people.
Those are excellent points! It really is difficult managing that emotional investment. I’ve found that the only way through that is to deliberately prioritize your own health and safety first. Even then, it’s definitely hard to let go – but it’s worth it for the quality of life that follows.
Thanks for this! I am just easing back into BDSM and actually just beginning to practice shibari so I am on quite the learning curve. I have connect with a couple of local groups and attended several munches, met a bunch of people who are very safety conscious. And I have to admit that in the past I have miss judged people, sometimes badly miss judged them, so it is an issue I am working on. going to keep this bookmarked and share it. Again, thanks, and thanks for all the work you do on you blog, very much appreciated.
I honestly think that we’re all working on this particular issue, so you’re welcome! I’m glad you found it useful 🙂